Drag the past out into the Light………
This week has been one of the most challenging weeks so far. This week has bought me the challenge of facing the events of the past, because it is time for me to move forward more freely.
At first thought this was impossible, unbearably uncomfortable and numbing. I have spent years avoiding all these terrible emotions and feelings, pushing them down and away from the surface of my being, pretending to the outside world that I was fine, when really I wasn’t.
It’s finally time to get real! My first experience of “getting real” was at Heal for Life and I remember how difficult that was. Through the care and support of the Facilitator and the carers, I was able to drag past events, emotions and experiences into the light, release the energy surrounding the feelings and begin to move forward.
For me recently, the next step in dragging the past into the light was making a timeline of events. This was incredibly daunting and scary; because I had a few clear memories and all the rest were sort of blended into one and mixed up. I had what I call snapshots, a little like frozen moments in time…..photographs in my mind.
In therapy, through guided time lining I was able to document experiences and events leading up to and proceeding the abuse and trauma. This was interesting because I have realised there are no coincidences in my situation, I am the way I am because of the experiences I have had. The time lining session has unlocked memories which have been locked away……they are now being released because my mind and body are strong enough to handle what is happening. As painful as this experience is I know it is necessary to reconnect with these feelings otherwise I am stuck in a sort of holding pattern, unable to move fully through and ultimately past the trauma. My view of each “new” memory that my mind releases is similar to my experiences of giving birth. That is to say; each contractions was incredibly painfully at the time, but was one less I had to experience thus getting me one step closer to the birth of my babies. I liken this part of my healing journey to childbirth…..each memory I release and place in the time line of events is one less that I have to deal with and moves me closer to uncovering the real me.
I am now realising the “me” that I am right now is constantly growing and changing as I reconnect with the parts of me which have been disconnected for so long. I am learning that it is alright to feel and is actually essential in order to heal and lead a fulfilled life. I see my repressed memories as enemies that I need to battle and win against. I think by doing that I am able to cope with things as they arise, parts at a time. If I look at the bigger picture it is overwhelming and seems it is a fight I can’t possibly win. The saying “Take one day at a time” popped into my head…..sometimes an hour at a time….and even sometimes a minute at a time! I am learning to deal with only what I can, at any moment…..the old me would push myself almost to breaking point. The “new” me is learning to take time out to rest, relax and sit in silence, if that’s what I need at that moment in time.
An interesting side effect of my processes this week; is the release of physical pain and tension in my body. In the six weeks leading up to this new process, I was getting constant headaches and pains in my lower back. Some days the pain was close to unbearable, so I would have to take medication to ease the aches in my body. Since I have begun to reconnect my body memory with experiences, repressed memory and events of the past the physical pain in my body has decreased.
One aspect of this entire journey I have found amazing….is the connection between mind, body and self. I have never really paid attention or recognised the connection between the three, until I began my healing journey. Now I am conscious of the reciprocal relationship between my mind, body and soul and the need to listen to all that is going on inside. This is one aspect I learnt about during my stay at Heal for Life and am now researching independently, which is fascinating.
I like the fact I am learning about myself, which is helping me to accept myself and move forward in my healing.
Until next week,
Big love & peace…..T xoxo