My Letter to Me
I need you to know some things. It’s important you’re listening.
There is nothing you could have done to change anything that happened.
You are not to blame in any way for what he did to you.
You kept quiet to keep yourself and the rest of your family safe, not because you enjoyed it.
Your body did what all female bodies do when they are stimulated in that way. He knew exactly how to make it happen, it was all part of his plan to make sure you kept quiet. He wanted you to feel responsible for his disgusting actions and your body’s natural reaction. He was able to manipulate the entire situation to shift blame and guilt onto you.
You did not deserve anything he did to you…..you didn’t ask for it in any way….nothing you did invited him into your body.
I wish I could have told you then, “You will be OK”. I wish you had the belief in yourself to stand up, be heard and know you would be believed. I wish I could have been there to scoop you off the bathroom floor and hold you until the pain left your body and you feel asleep. More than anything, I wish I could take all your pain away.
I want you to know he targeted you. He picked you because he knew he would get away with it.
I want you to know you were extremely brave and strong, knowing that when he entered your room under the cover of night, he would violate your body and mind. You did what you did to get through the darkness to the next day and the one after that…..you are a survivor!
I want you to know, I appreciate all you did to protect those you love and who love you.
Please understand; only one person makes the choice to rape, that is the rapist, not the victim. You were the victim. There is nothing you did to make him rape you the first time or any time after that. He his solely responsible for his actions, the blame is on his shoulders, not yours.
He fed you a constant stream of lies and untruths, violating your feelings and thoughts of you. I know these words and labels have played over and over in your mind….long after he was gone. Please accept they were lies, you are not his nasty words and labels…..you are you! This was just another part to his devious plan to keep you in a metaphorical prison, to ensure he would not be held accountable for his actions. I understand how and why you were held captive by his words. More than anything I want for you to know you are stronger than what you give yourself credit for. You are capable of doing anything your heart desires.
You need to know you are heard, believed and understood….you need to know you belong….and you are worthy of giving love and being loved. More than anything I want for you to love yourself, mind, body and soul. Please honour yourself and love completely through the pain, and know your experiences have made you who you are….
Please don’t blame yourself for not being able to speak….you couldn’t….it wasn’t safe! You were wise enough to realize what you had to do to stay safe.
You were only a little girl, you didn’t in any way ask for that %&*$*@#! to enter your body, he made that choice, and it was NOT ok!
I wish I was there to hold you close, keep you safe and out of harm’s way.
Most of all I want you to know you cannot carry the burden of your experiences by yourself….it is alright to ask for help……You will find your voice one day when the time is right and when you speak, your voice will be heard….people will listen…and you will be OK. You are worthy of being heard!
Just because you cry, doesn’t mean you’re weak…it’s totally fine and normal to show your emotions and let your tears flow…you are strong, your tears are a symbol of your strength and ability to turn pain into something positive.
Please don’t go through life hating yourself, you are not what he did to you….he ripped you apart; mind, body and soul….and you have the strength to put all the pieces back together and live the life you deserve!
Love and Big Hugs Always, T…..xoxox